在美国讲脱口秀的博士（双语脱口秀女王艾伦-杜兰大学毕业典礼演讲）

这是美国脱口秀女王艾伦于2009年，在杜兰大学毕业典礼上的演讲,这次演讲可能足以称为最有“笑”果的一次毕业典礼演讲，艾伦一如既往幽默的风格，引发全场毕业学生，甚至老师的多次爆笑。

但是演讲的内容是足以引人深省的：

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Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen;

尊敬的考恩校长，校长夫人，

distinguished guests, undistinguished guests--you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher. So and thank you to all the graduating class of 2009,

尊贵的嘉宾，不知名的嘉宾——你们知道自己是谁，不用介绍了，老师们还有令人害怕的西班牙语老师，感谢你们！感谢所有杜兰大学2009届毕业生们！

I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can't graduate till I finish, so listen up.

我知道你们绝大多数还因为宿醉而头痛欲裂，狂欢到今天都还没有睡觉。但没听完我演讲不能毕业，所以要注意听了。

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant. Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary,

当我应邀来发表毕业演讲时，我毫不犹豫就答应了，然后我才去查毕业典礼是什么意思。如果我有字典的话就轻松多了，

but most of the books in our house are Portia's, and they're all written in Australian. So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.

但我家里有的书大多都是波西亚的，而且都是澳式英语，所以我得自己拆分单词，摸索它的意思。

Commencement: common, and cement. Common cement.

Commencement由common和cement构成，意思是“常见的水泥”。

You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back.

在人行道上你常看见水泥。人行道上有裂缝，你踩到了裂缝，撞伤了你妈妈的背。意思就是这样.

So there's that. But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.

但是我很荣幸应邀给你们做“常见的水泥”的演讲。

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus-alumini-aluminum-alumis-you had to graduate from this school.

我原以为要够有名，并且必须是贵校的校友才能来这里演讲。

And I didn't go to college here, and I don't know if President Cowen know, I didn't go to college at all. Any collge.

我没在这儿上过大学，而且，不知道考恩校长是否知道，我根本没念过大学，没上过任何大学。

And I'm not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

我不是说你们在浪费时间和金钱。看看我，我可是超级成功的名人。

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. I spent a lot of time here growing up.

但是我确实从历经磨难的生活这所学校毕业了，我们的吉祥物就是磨难和挫折。我在此度过了漫长的成长岁月。

My mom worked at Newcom and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today?

我妈妈在纽科姆工作，每当我需要从她的钱包里偷偷拿东西的时候，我都会去找她。但今天我为什么来这里呢？

Clearly not to steal, you're too far away and I'd never get away with it. I'm here because of you. Because I can't think of a more tenactious, more courageous graduating class.

很明显我不是想要偷你们的钱，你们离我太远了，而且我也跑不了。我来这里是因为你们，没有比你们更坚韧更勇敢的毕业生了。

I mean, look at you all, oh, wearing your robes. Usually when you're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up. I'm here because I love New Orleans.

我是说，看看你们每一个人，身着学士袍，通常在上午10点还穿着睡袍，说明你们已经放弃人生了。今天我来这里，因为我热爱新奥尔良。

I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times. When I finished school, I was completely lost.

我在这里出生，在这里长大，在这里度过了我的童年时代。和你们一样，我在这里生活时，只洗过6次衣服。当我毕业后，我完全迷失了。

And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do.

这里我指的是中学，但我接着上学，读完了高中。而我当时真的没有什么野心，不知道自己想做什么。

I did everything from-I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners, I had no idea.

可我什么都做。我剥过牡蛎，当过迎宾员，做过酒保、服务员，粉刷过房子，卖过吸尘器。我完全不知道自己想做什么。

And I thought I'd just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea.

我想随便找个工作稳定下来，只要有足够的钱付房租，电视机可有可无，我完全没有计划。这里我要强调的是，我像你们这么大的时候，我真的以为我了解自己，但其实并非如此。

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the wayI ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and I didn't know it was her and I kept going,

总之，当时我不知道自己这一辈子要干什么，最后因为一件十分悲惨的事情，我找到了自己的人生目标。大约是在19岁时，我的女朋友在一次车祸中身亡。我路过事故现场时不知道是她，就继续走。

and I found out shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.

但不久我发现，那就是她。当时我住在地下室的公寓里，我没有钱，没有暖气，没有新鲜空气，只是在地板上铺一个垫子，房间里到处都是跳蚤。

And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don't understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldn't it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.

我感到困惑不已。我在想，“为什么她突然走了？为什么我住在满是跳蚤的房子里？”我无法理解，但一定有理由的， 要是能直接拿起电话问上帝的话不是太好了吗？

And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself,

于是我开始写东西，脑海中涌现出一段与上帝的对话，那是只有我一个人的独白。 写完之后，我看着我写的东西，对自己讲话。

and I hadn't even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. I said, "I'm gonna do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson" at the time he was the king, "and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down."

那时，我还没有开始做单人脱口秀节目，因为当时新奥尔良没有俱乐部。我说，我将要在“今夜秀”上和约翰尼·卡森一起表演这一段。他当时是主持界天王，我将成为该节目史上第一个和他一起坐下被访问的女性。

And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down,because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.

数年之后，我成了该节目史上第一位、也是唯一一位和约翰尼一起坐下被访问的女性，完全是因为我写的“与上帝打电话对话”的剧本。

And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay. And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they would laugh at me.

从此我开始做单人脱口秀节目，并且非常成功。 但也非常艰难，因为我想取悦每一个人。我守着一个秘密，那就是我是一个同性恋， 我想人们要是发现了，就不会喜欢我了，还会嘲笑我。

Then my career turned into I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success. And I thought, "what if they find out I'm gay, then they'll never watch," and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents-but anyway this was back, many years ago

接着，我有了自己的喜剧，也很成功，并且是更大的成功。我又在想，要是人们发现我是同性恋，该怎么办？他们再也不会看我的节目了。这是很早以前的事情，你们可能不知道，这是我们的总统都还是白人的时候，那是多年前的事了。

and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative. And my character would come out at the same time,

我一直都是带着羞耻和恐惧而活，我最终决定，我不能再这么活着了。我最终决定将这个秘密公之于众，要有创造性，同时也要将我真实的个性展示出来。

and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest.

不是为了政治，也不是为了其他原因，只是要把我从背负已久的沉重的枷锁中解脱出来。我只是想要诚实。

And I thought, "What's the worst that could happen? I can lost my career." I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper. The phone didn't ring for three years

我想不会有更惨的事情了。失去演艺事业。在我做了六年节目后，电台在没有告知我本人的情况下就停播了我的节目。我是在看了报纸后才知道的。家里的电话三年没有响过，

I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. And yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of what I did. And I realised that I had a purpose.

没人想让我做节目，没人愿意接触我。后来我接到了想要自杀的孩子的来信，他们是因为我所做的事情而没有自杀。我才知道我活在世上是有目的的。

And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished...

不仅仅是因为我，不仅仅是因为我是名人，我好像是在被惩罚。

it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow. And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it. And most stations didn't want to pick it up. Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.

那段时间很艰难，我很愤怒，也很难过。 但接着有人找我做脱口秀节目。制作单位想要卖出节目， 但大多数的电视台都不想要，大多数人都不想要买，因为他们认为没人想看我的节目。

And really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is,is to be true to yourself.

当我回首这些往事的时候，我一点也不会改变。因为我发现，即使失去一切，最重要的是做真正的自己。

And ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place. I don't live in fear. I'm free. I have no secrets. And I know I'll always be OK, because no matter what, I know who I am.

最终，我来到了这里。我不再恐惧，我感觉很自在，也不再有秘密。而且我知道一切都会好的，因为无论如何，我知道我是谁。

So in conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies, to quote the Pussycat Dolls.

所以总结一下。我年轻时，对成功有着不同的定义。我的志向是长大后，我要出名，我要成为明星，我想拍电影。我的愿望是长大后要周游世界、开名车、有一批流行乐团歌迷，引用“小野猫”。

How many people thought it was "boobies", by the way? It's not, it's "groupies".

有多少人听成是“傻瓜”？不是那样的，是“流行乐团歌迷”之意。

But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you'll realise the definition of success changes. For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.

但今天我对成功的定义变了。 当你们长大后就会明白，对成功的定义是会改变的。你们中的许多人对成功的定义就是饮尽20杯龙舌兰烈酒。

For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure; to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person; to contribute in some way.

在我看来，你们生活中最重要的事情就是要活得正直诚实，别屈从于同伴的压力， 把自己变成本不是的那个人。要活得诚实，有怜悯心，要在某个方面有所贡献。

So to conclude my conclusion:follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path,unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.

因此总结我的结论：追随热情，忠于自我。永远不要追随别人的脚步，除非你在森林里迷了路才能这么做，那时你真的该那样做。

Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Don't take anyone's advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

别给人忠告，它们会给你带来麻烦。也别接受任何人的忠告。那么我要给大家的忠告是，做真正的自己，一切都会顺利的。

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry. The economy is booming, the job market is wide open,the planet is just fine.

我知道，在座的许多人都担心自己的前途，但不用担心。经济正在急速增长，就业市场极为广阔，地球也好得很。

It's gonna be great.

一切都会好的。

You've already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you?And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.

你们经历了飓风的洗礼，还有什么害怕的呢？我之前说过，从最惨痛的经历中可以吸取最多的教训。

And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview, like, "Is it above sea level?"

现在你们知道在你们的第一次面试中该问什么样的问题了吧？比如，公司高于海平面吗？（新奥尔良地势低而经常被淹）

So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain,

现在给我的演讲，“常见的水泥”，总结个结论，我想说的是，人生就像一场狂欢节嘉年华， 但请展现你们的头脑，而非胸部。

and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with. And you'll be drunk, most of the time.

如果人家欣赏你的话，你就有更多的金银珠宝可以享用。 而且你会有更多的机会喝醉。

So the Tulane class of 2009, I say congratulations, and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this:

因此，杜兰大学2009届的毕业生们，祝贺你们顺利毕业！如果你们不记得我今天说过的任何话，请记住这句，

you're gonna be Ok, dun-doom-doom-doom-doom, just dance.

一切都会好的，尽管跳舞吧！

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