英语自学推荐（英语自学系列）

最近，多起明星家暴事件频频上热搜，知名仿妆博主@宇芽公开被前男友家暴经历，明星蒋劲夫再被爆家暴等，使家暴这一话题一夜刷屏，备受关注。

当有更多的家暴受害者说出自己的遭遇时，我们才发现，"家暴"真的离我们很近。曾经有一位美国作家Leslie Morgan Steiner 在TED做过一场演讲，大方的分享了自己的被家暴经历，我们一起来看看吧！

中英对照翻译：

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question, which has an equally disturbing answer. My topic is the secrets of domestic violence, and the question I'm going to tackle is the one question everyone always asks: Why does she stay? Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her? I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker or an expert in domestic violence. I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

今天，我想聊一个令人不安的问题，这个问题的答案同样令人烦扰。我要说的是家庭暴力的秘密，而我将要回答的这个问题是很多人都问过我的： "为什么她（家庭暴力受害者）会留下来？" "怎么会有人愿意和一个打她的男人继续住在一起？" 等。我并不是精神病医生、社会工作者、也不是家庭暴力方面的专家，我只是一个有着亲身经历要讲述的女人。

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine. I had my first apartment, my first little green American Express card, and I had a very big secret. My secret was that I had this gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head by the man who I thought was my soulmate, many, many times.

当时我22岁，刚从哈佛学院毕业，我搬到了纽约，开始了自己第一份工作，在"Seventeen"杂志社当编辑和撰稿人。我第一次有了自己的房子（公寓），有了第一张信用卡，还有一个非常大的秘密。这个秘密就是---我曾经被我认为是我灵魂伴侣的男人，用这把装满空心弹头的枪指着我的头太多、太多次。

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me more times than I can't even remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychological trap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall into every year. It may even be your story.

这个我曾经最爱的人，用枪指着我的头，并威胁要杀掉我，我已经记不得他对我做了多少次了。现在我所讲述的这个"疯狂爱情"的故事，是一个伪装成爱情的心理陷阱，每年都会有上百万的女性，甚至也包括一些男性掉进这个陷阱。或许，它正发生在你的身上。

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor. I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College, an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School. I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post. I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband and we have three kids together. My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

我看起来不像是典型的家庭暴力受害者。我拥有哈佛学院的英语学士学位，还拿到了沃顿商学院的市场营销方面的MBA学位。我绝大多数时间都在为"财富"500强公司工作，包括强生、李奥贝纳和华盛顿邮报。我嫁给我的第二任丈夫差不多20年了，并育有3个孩子。我还养了一只黑色拉布拉多猎犬，开本田奥赛德面包车。

So, my first message for you is that domestic violence happens to everyone — all races, all religions, all income and education levels. It's everywhere. And my second message is that everyone thinks domestic violence happens to women, that it's a women's issue. Not exactly. Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships, in other words, in families, the last place we would want or expect to find violence, which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

我要告诉你的第一个事实就是，家庭暴力可能发生在每个人身上，跟你的种族、信仰、收入和教育水平无关，这种现象随处可见。我要说的第二个事实是，很多人认为，既然家庭暴力发生在女性身上，那应该是女性自身的问题。不是的，超过85%的施虐者是男性，并且家庭暴力只发生在亲密的、相互依存的、长期的关系中。换句话说，家庭--是我们最不愿意，或最不期望发生暴力的地方。这也是为什么家庭暴力如此叫人困扰的原因之一。

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth who would stay with a man who beats me, but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age. I was 22, and in the United States,women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely to be domestic violence victims as women of other ages, and over 500 women and girls this age are killed every year by abusive partners, boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

我原本以为，世界上只有我一个人会继续留在一个打我的男人身边，但事实上，在我这个年龄段（我当时22岁），这种事情非常普遍。而在美国，16至24岁的女性相比其他年龄段的女性受到家庭暴力伤害的可能性要高出两倍以上。同样在美国，每年有超过500位妇女或女孩被施虐者杀害，凶手是她们的男友，或者丈夫。

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

我是一个非常典型的受害者，因为我对家庭暴力的预兆和发展形式一无所知。

I met Connor on a cold, rainy January night.He sat next to me on the New York City subway, and he started chatting me up.He told me two things. One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school, and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank. But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting was that he was smart and funny and he looked like a farm boy. He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks and this wheat-blond hair, and he seemed so sweet.

我是在一个雨夜遇见康纳的，那时是一月份，天很冷。我们在纽约的地铁上碰巧坐在一起，他先跟我聊了起来。他告诉了我两件事，第一件是他也毕业于常春藤联盟学校，并且在一个非常好的华尔街银行工作。但是第一次见面，给我留下最深印象的是他的智慧和幽默，而他的外貌看起来像农场男孩。他的脸颊像大苹果一样红扑扑的，小麦色的金发，看起来十分讨人喜欢。

One of the smartest things Connor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me.We started dating, and he loved everything about me, that I was smart, my education experience of Harvard, that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job. He wanted to know everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

在刚开始的交往中，康纳做的最聪明的事情是，他让我相信，在这段感情中，我是强势的那一方。尤其刚开始的时候，他让我觉得我是他崇拜的偶像。我们开始交往，他喜欢关于我的一切，例如我的聪明，我在哈佛的求学经历，我给予青少年女性的热情帮助，以及我的工作。他很愿意了解我的家庭、我的童年、我的愿望和梦想。

Connor believed in me, as a writer and a woman, in a way that no one else ever had. And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us by confessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather,and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade, even though he was very smart, and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life. Which is why that Ivy League degree and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future meant so much to him.

康纳对我信任的程度，是我身为一个女人和撰稿人之前从未在别人那里享受过的那种。他通过透露他不为人知的秘密，他在我们之间营造了奇特的相互信任的氛围。他告诉我，从他四岁开始，他的继父就开始持续野蛮的在身体上虐待他。虐待的结果是非常恶劣的，使得他不得不在八年级的时候辍学，尽管当时他十分的聪明。他花了几乎20年的时间重建他的生活。这也就是为什么，常春藤大学的学位，华尔街的工作和光明的未来，对他意义重大。

If you had told me that this smart,funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, because there was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Connor at the beginning.I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.

如果那时有人对我说，这个聪明、幽默、体贴并喜欢我的男人，会有一天命令我是否化妆，我的裙子能穿多短，我要生活在哪，要做什么工作，能和谁交朋友和在哪度过圣诞之类的话，我会嘲笑你，因为我在康纳身上看不出一点暴力或控制欲或愤怒的预兆。当时我并不知道，引诱和迷惑受害者是家庭暴力关系开始的第一步。

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim. Now, Connor did not come home one day and announce,"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great, but I need to move into the next phase where I isolate you and I abuse you" — "so I need to get you out of this apartment where the neighbors can hear you scream and out of this city where you have friends and family and coworkers who can see the bruises."

我当时也不知道，家暴开始的第二步是孤立受害者。有一天，康纳没有回家，并且还对我宣布：嘿，虽然罗曼蒂克之类的很棒，但是我要进入下一个生活阶段了，我要孤立你然后虐待你---我要你离开这个公寓，防止你的邻居听见你被虐待的惨叫，我还要让你离开这个有你的朋友、家人和同事的城市，不然他们会看到你的伤痕。

Instead, Connor came home one Friday evening and he told me that he had quit his job that day, his dream job, and he said that he had quit his job because of me, because I had made him feel so safe and loved that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore, and he just wanted to get out of the city and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family, and move to a tiny town in New England where he could start his life over with me by his side.

事实上，康纳在一个周五的晚上回到了家，告诉我他辞掉了他的工作，他梦寐以求的工作。他说他是因为我才辞职的，我让他拥有了无比的幸福和安全感，他不再需要到华尔街去证明自己。现在他只想离开这座城市，远离他那个充满虐待、不正常的家庭，搬到新英格兰的某个小镇，和我一起在那里开始新的生活。

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York, and my dream job, but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate, so I agreed, and I quit my job, and Connor and I left Manhattan together. I had no idea I was falling into crazy love, that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid physical, financial and psychological trap.

当时，我并不想离开纽约、离开我热爱的工作，但是为了自己的灵魂伴侣，我想我需要做出牺牲。所以我同意了，辞掉了工作，跟康纳一起离开了曼哈顿。我以为自己陷入了疯狂的爱情，却还不知道，我已经懵懂的走进了一个对方精心策划的、控制你身体、心灵和经济的陷阱。

The next step in the domestic violence pattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts. And here's where those guns come in. As soon as we moved to New England — you know,that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe — he bought three guns. He kept one in the glove compartment of our car. He kept one under the pillows on our bed, and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times. And he said that he needed those guns because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy. He needed them to feel protected. But those guns were really a message for me, and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me, my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

家庭暴力开始的第三阶段就是---开始用暴力威胁（受害者）并观察她的反应。这就是刚才（我拿出来的）枪的用途。我们刚搬到新英格兰小镇，我想，康纳应该是觉得这里很安全。他就买了三支枪，一支放在车子的置物箱里，一支放在床的枕头下面，第三支则一直放在口袋里。他说小时候的精神创伤使得他需要拥有这些枪来让他自己保持安全感。那些枪对我来说是一个明显的信号，尽管他并没有拿起枪指着我，当时的我却已经无时无刻地处在危险的边缘。

Connor first physically attacked me five days before our wedding. It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown. I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment, and I got frustrated, and Connor used my anger as an excuse to put both of his hands around my neck and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream, and he used the choke hold to hit my head repeatedly against the wall. Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded, and I put on my mother's wedding dress, and I married him.

康纳第一次打我是在我们婚礼的五天前。那天早上七点，我还穿着睡袍，我正在用电脑工作，想要完成自由职业撰稿的任务，当时我有些烦躁，康纳以我的愤怒为借口，用双手掐住我的脖子，死死的掐着，让我无法呼吸，喊不出声。他从背后勒着我的脖子，一次一次的把我的头往墙上撞。五天之后，脖子上的十个手指印刚消退，我就穿上我妈妈的婚纱，嫁给了他。

Despite what had happened, I was sure we were going to live happily ever after, because I loved him, and he loved me so much. And he was very, very sorry. He had just been really stressed out by the wedding and by becoming a family with me. It was an isolated incident, and he was never going to hurt me again.

尽管发生了那些事情，我还是相信我们以后能幸福的生活，因为我们是如此的相爱，也因为他表现出的深深的悔意。他只是压力太大了，婚礼的筹备和我家庭成员的到来让他喘不过气。这是一个意外，他说他以后不会再伤害我。

It happened twice more on the honeymoon. The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach and I got lost, and he punched me in the side of my head so hard that the other side of my head repeatedly hit the driver's side window. And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon, he got frustrated by traffic, and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face. Connor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

蜜月期间我又被打了两次。第一次，我驾车去寻找秘密的海滩，我迷路了，他（坐在副驾驶座上）不停地打我的头，打得如此的使劲，以至于我的头不断的撞到驾驶座车门的玻璃。没过几天，过完蜜月开车回家的路上，堵车让他很烦躁，他把一个冰冷的巨无霸砸在了我的脸上。在我跟康纳两年半的婚姻生活中，我每周都会被打一到两次。

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique and alone in this situation. One in three American women experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life, and the CDC reports that 15 million children are abused every year, 15 million. So actually, I was in very good company.

我曾经误以为只有我一个人有这样的遭遇。事实上，每三个美国女性中就有一个曾是家庭暴力受害者或潜在的目标，而CDC的报告称，每年有1500万的儿童遭受虐待，1500万。所以实际上，我不是唯一遭受家暴的人。

Back to my question: Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn't know he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog,pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on Earth who could help Connor face his demons.

回到我的问题：为什么我还要留下来呢？答案很简单---我并不知道他是在虐待我。尽管他用上膛的枪指着我的头，把我推下楼梯，威胁要杀掉我们的狗，在高速公路上拔掉车钥匙，在我为了面试而准备着装时把咖啡粉从我头上倒下来，我从来没有想过自己是一个受到虐待的妻子。正好相反，我是一个很坚强的女性，深爱着这个深陷困境的男人，而且我是这世上唯一一个可以帮助康纳面对自己心魔的人。

The other question everybody asks is, why doesn't she just leave? Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time. Tome, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask, because we victims know something you usually don't: It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her.

大家都想问的另一个问题是：为什么不选择离开呢？我为什么没有逃跑？我有很多的机会可以逃跑。对我来说，这是人们问过的最让我伤心和痛苦的问题。你无法理解，但是只有我们受害者自己清楚，离开施虐者是多么的危险。因为在家庭暴力中的最后一步，就是杀掉受害者。

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship, after she's gotten out, because then the abuser has nothing left to lose. Other outcomes include long-term stalking, even after the abuser remarries; denial of financial resources; and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children, who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother. And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

超过70%的家庭暴力谋杀是发生在受害者选择结束这段关系后，在她离开之后。因为施虐者已经毫无顾忌。其他可能的结果包括长期的跟踪，甚至施虐者再婚之后（仍会跟踪）；拒绝经济支持；欺骗家庭，用法庭来恐吓受害者和她的孩子。孩子们通常会被法官要求，要和那个打他们母亲的男人一起度过一段无人监管的时间。可现在我们仍然会问，她为什么不逃走？

I was able to leave, because of one final,sadistic beating that broke through my denial. I realized that the man who I loved so much was going to kill me if I let him. So, I broke the silence. I told everyone: the police, my neighbors, my friends and family, total strangers, and I'm here today because you all helped me.

我之所以决定离开，是因为最后一次残暴的殴打突破了我能承受的极限。我意识到，如果我不反抗，这个我曾深爱的男人会杀掉我。所以我打破了沉默。我向所有人求助---警察，邻居，我的朋友和家人，完全陌生的人。今天我能站在这里，是因为你们每个人都帮助了我。

We tend to stereotype victims as grisly headlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods. The question, "Why does she stay?" is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying," as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.

我们倾向于将受害者描述成"作贱自己、轻浮的女人"，就像新闻中可怕的标题所言。 "为什么她要留下？" 问这个问题的人，实际上是在说，"这是她自己的错、自作自受"，就好像受害者是故意要和家暴她们的男人相爱。

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women who also got out, who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened, and who rebuilt lives —joyous, happy lives — as employees, wives and mothers, lives completely free of violence, like me.

但"Crazy Love"这本书出版之后，很多男人和女人跟我诉说了他们的故事，他们也想告诉别人，他们从发生的事情中学到了无价的一课，他们重新开始了生活——开心快乐的生活——作为员工、妻子和母亲，就像我现在一样生活，远离暴力。

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim and a typical domestic violence survivor. I remarried a kind and gentle man, and we have those three kids. I have that black lab, and I have that minivan. What I will never have again, ever, is a loaded gun held to my head by someone who says that he loves me.

实际上，我是典型的家庭暴力受害者，也是典型的家庭暴力幸存者。我和另一个温柔善良的男人再次结婚了，并且有了三个孩子。我养了一只黑色的拉布拉多猎犬，开本田奥赛德面包车。而我永远不会再拥有的---是一个嘴上说爱我却用上了膛的枪指着我脑袋的人。

Right now, maybe you're thinking,"Wow, this is fascinating," or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you. I promise you there are several people listening to me right now who are currently being abused or who were abused as children or who are abusers themselves. Abuse could be affecting your daughter, your sister, your best friend right now.

此时此刻，你可能在想，哇，这太神奇了，或者，"喔，她真蠢"。但是在整个过程中，事实上，我在谈论的是你。我敢保证，现在正在听我说话的人中，有一些人正遭受着虐待，或者曾经在小时候被虐待过，或者你自己就是一个施虐者。虐待可能正发生在你的女儿身上，发生在你的姐妹、你最好的朋友身上。

I was able to end my own crazy love story by breaking the silence. I'm still breaking the silence today. It's my way of helping other victims, and it's my final request of you. Talk about what you heard here. Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it.

我能够结束自己"疯狂的爱"的故事，靠的是---打破沉默。今天我仍然在打破沉默。这是我帮助其他的受害者的方式，同时也是我对你们最后的请求。将今天听到的内容告诉他人吧！虐待只能活在沉默中。你是有能力制止家庭暴力的，只需要点亮星星之火。

We victims need everyone. We need every one of you to understand the secrets of domestic violence. Show abuse the light of day by talking about it with your children, your coworkers, your friends and family. Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people with full futures. Recognize the early signs of violence and conscientiously intervene, deescalate it, show victims a safe way out. Together we can make our beds, our dinner tables and our families the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

我们受害者需要每一个人的帮助。我们需要你们每一个人理解家庭暴力的秘密。和你的孩子，你的同事，你的朋友和家人讨论这个话题，将虐待曝之于光，帮助幸存者重新找回美好、可爱的自己，重新拥有属于他们的未来。发现家庭暴力的预兆并认真的干预， 减少发生的可能性，给受害者提供安全的出路。让我们携起手来，让我们的床，我们的餐桌和家庭成为它们应该成为的安全、和平的绿洲。

Thank you.

谢谢。

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