华尔街是怎样讲故事的（三观不正的华尔街高盛段子够经典）

在Twitter上有一个叫@GS Elevator Gossip（高盛电梯闲扯）的账户，曝光的都是所谓高盛公司电梯里听到的闲谈。高盛是华尔街上TOP1级别的公司，来看看郎咸平是如何介绍高盛的：

“成立于1869年的高盛集团是全世界历史最悠久、最有权势的投资银行。从当年的马夫门面店到今天的华尔街大佬，从一间地下室一个雇员到如今上万亿美元资产的影子操控者，高盛登上了全球金融的巅峰。从1929年起，世界上任何一次大萧条和对美国之外的国家进行的狙击，高盛都在其中扮演着举足轻重的角色。从高科技股到高油价，高盛主导了大萧条后的每一次市场操作。高盛号称是泡沫制造专家，没有谁比它更会制造泡沫，也没有谁比它更会引爆金融核弹，包括经济危机。”

2.Those who can do, do. Those who can't, work at Morgan Stanley.

能干的都在干，不能干的都滚去摩根斯坦利了。

3.Abortions are just expensive condoms.

打胎，不过是贵点的安全套罢了。

4.The lottery is just a way of taxing poor people who don’t know math.

就是对那些不懂数学的穷人征税。

5.If life’s a game, money is how you keep score.

假如生命是场游戏，金钱就是你的计分方式。

6.My 3 favorite lies are 'I'm sorry,' 'Just kidding,' and,'We should get together some time.'

我最爱的三句谎言：1. ‘对不起’；2. ‘开玩笑的啦’；3. ‘我们应该抽空出来聚聚’。

7.Some chick asked me what I would do with 10 million bucks. I told her I’d wonder where the rest of my money went.

有些妞问我如果我有一千万会干嘛。我告诉她，我会奇怪我别的钱都去哪儿了。

8.Coupon… Food stamps for the middle class.

打折券……是中产阶级的饭票。

9.Asian girlfriends are just whores who get paid in Louis Vuitton.

亚裔女友们不过是你用LV包包付款的娼妓罢了。

10.Linsanity is destroying my basketball league. Every Asian kid thinks they’re 6 inches taller all of a sudden.

林书豪毁了我们的篮球队。每个亚裔小朋友都以为他们突然长高了6寸似的。

11.Living my life is like playing Call of Duty on Easy. I just go around and fuck shit up.

我的生活就像玩低难度的《使命召唤》。也就是随便到处走走，开枪灭人……

12.A: I tell every new hire the same thing. Spend that cash. No one needs a $100 million funeral.

B：Or a $50 million ex-wife.

甲：我告诉新人的都是一件事：把钱花了吧，没有人需要一个一亿的葬礼。

乙：或者一个5000万的前妻……

13.If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lying… Because if you’re good at lying, you’re good at everything.

如果你只能精通一样东西，那就精通撒谎……如果你精通撒谎，那你就精通一切了。

14.In the words of Benjamin Franklin, ‘if we say that money doesn’t buy happiness, it might stop poor people from robbing us.’

本杰明富兰克林说过，“如果金钱买不来幸福，起码可以阻止穷鬼来抢劫我们呀。”

15.A：The PWM chicks know how to dress.

B (nods)：Pretty good wife material. Hot but not slutty-looking. Smart but not too smart.

甲：那些搞个人理财的妞知道该怎么穿。

乙（点头）：当老婆的好料。性感而不淫荡，聪明还知道装傻。

16.The only color I judge people by is the color of their teeth.

即使我会因为人的颜色而产生偏见，那也只可能是他牙齿的颜色而非肤色。

17.if you have a job where you have to wear a nametag, nobody gives a shit what your name is.

如果你的工作需要带名牌，那就说明根本没人在乎你叫什么。

18.ED (to 1st year analysts): If I ever hear about something I say mentioned on Twitter, I’ll fucking kill you.

执行总裁对第一年新人：如果我听说有谁把我说的话发推，我特么会杀了你们。

19.Whenever I see a black guy with my last name, I can’t help but wonder if my family used to own his.

每次我看到有黑人和我一样的姓，我就会想我们家是不是曾经买过他们家？

20.A：Fact. Nearly 50% of all American workers have less than $10k saved for retirement.

B：Fuck. That wouldn’t cover a ski weekend.

甲：事实上，差不多50%的美国工薪阶层银行里面存来退休的钱不到一万。

乙：靠，还不够周末去滑个雪。

21.If riding the bus doesn't incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.

如果连挤公交车都没法刺激你去改善自己人生的话，没别的东西可以了。

22.I love watching Asian guys smell and swirl their wine obnoxiously. And then their faces get all blotchy. Pussies.

我就喜欢看那些搞笑的亚洲佬把酒杯摇了又闻闻了又摇，脸上好像很陶醉的样子。白痴嘛。

23.Sending flowers to her office is like a big neon sign to her coworkers saying, “The asshole screwed up again.”

送花去她办公室就是明摆着告诉她的同事，“那个白痴又搞砸了。”

24.If you want a friend, get a dog. If you want a friend with benefits, find some chick who’s in PR.

需要朋友？买条狗吧。需要啪啪？搞上几个做公关的妞。

25.A:Swinging by Tiffany’s to buy a gift.

B: (looks cynically): Why don’t you get her something nice?

甲：准备晃过Tiffany’s的时候买点礼物。

乙（满脸疑惑）：干嘛不买点好些的呢？

26.Getting rich isn’t that hard. Any hot girl with questionable morals can do it.

要发财不是那么难。任何一个道德有问题的辣妹都做得到。

27.A：Miami this weekend. B：Where you staying? A：Haven’t booked yet. Planning’s for the poor.

甲：这周末去迈阿密。乙：住哪？甲：没订呢，穷人才需要预先计划。

28.A：You’re going to Hell in just about any religion. B：First class, baby…

甲：无论信什么教你都是要下地狱的。乙：坐头等舱去呢，baby……

29.A protester sees my Benz, and wants to rip me out of it. A real man sees my car, and wants to work hard so he can buy it one day.

（占领华尔街时）一个抗议者看到我的奔驰就想把我拖下来。特么一个真男人看到我的车，就应该奋斗好有一天他也能买一辆。

30.Black Friday is the Special Olympics of capitalism.

黑色星期五的疯狂购物就是资本主义的残奥会。

31.A:Congress is allowed to trade on insider information. B：And only half of them are millionaires. A: Losers.

甲：国会里的人允许用内幕消息交易耶。乙：他们才一半人是百万富翁。甲：没用的东西。

32.I’ve never said I ‘hate’ anyone because that would imply I had any emotion for them whatsoever.

我从来不会说我“恨”任何人，那会显得我好像真的对他们动过感情似的。

33.A：The only reason I have a home phone is so I can find my cell phone. B：Our maid does that.

甲：我会在家里装电话的唯一原因是这样可以找到我的手机。乙：我们家仆人才干这个。

34.A: My Mom always said I was ‘one-in-a-million.’

B:So, that means there are 7,000 people just like you.

甲：我妈总是说我是百万中挑一的。乙：所以世上还有7000个跟你一样的人。

35.I always tell my Chinese clients, ‘Being morally bankrupt won’t affect your credit rating.’

我总是告诉我的中国客户：道德败坏不会影响你的信贷评分。

36.A:Bill Gates has a 15-year old daughter. B：Shit. I can wait 3 years. A：Less than that if she does semester abroad somewhere cool.

甲：比尔盖茨有个15岁的女儿哦。乙：靠，我可以等3年到她18岁。甲：不用那么久，要是她到国外做交换生的话。

37.Hong Kong sales can expense ‘karaoke’ bars where girls go home with you, and I get shit about a $1k dinner. Fuck that.

香港的业务员可以报销那些有女陪你回家的K歌房，我却因为一顿一千的晚饭被搞，特么的。

38.A:I always stand further back from the urinal so people think my dick’s bigger. B：What happens if they look over. A：They never look.

甲：我上厕所总是站得比较靠后，周围的人会以为我比较大。乙：他们真的过来看怎么办？甲：他们哪有那胆。

39.Suit A：“Was that really an earthquake?” Suit B：“No, I just dropped my wallet.”

西装友甲：刚才真的地震了？西装友乙：没，我钱包掉了而已。

40.MD：(on cell phone getting into elevator) “Fuck you.” Hangs up. “Good Morning.”

常务董事：（边打电话边进电梯）“草泥马。”挂电话，“嘿，大家早。”

41.Why would I marry? It's betting some chick half my net worth that I will love her forever.

为什么要结婚？用我一半身家去赌我会爱某个女人一辈子？

42.Most people don't understand that God cast them as extras in this movie.

绝大多数人都不明白，上帝是让他们来这个世界死跑龙套的。

43.Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see.

人才做到别人做不到的；天才做到别人想不到的。

44.If there really was a glass ceiling, we'd let all the women work above us.

如果真有玻璃天花板，我们会让所有女人都到上面干活去的（glass ceiling指在公司企业或者机关团体中，限制某些人口群体如女性或少数族裔晋升到高级决策阶层的障碍。）

45.Teamwork is a group of people doing what I tell them to.

所谓团队精神，其实就是一帮子人按照我的吩咐去做事。

46.The vast majority of people are fucking stupid. So obviously, I have no interest in being popular.

绝大多数的普通人实在是蠢到家了。这个事实是如此明显以至于我完全没有兴趣去变得让大众欢迎。

47.Too many people are smart enough to be angry, but not smart enough to be successful.

太多人足够聪明去表达自己的愤怒，却不够聪明去让自己变得成功。

48.Darwin had not considered a world where smart people have fewer babies,and dumb people have more.

达尔文没预料到，在如今的世界里，愚蠢的人们比聪明的人们有着更多的后代。

49.I love how poloticians complain about loopholes as if they didn't write the laws.

我爱看政治家们在那抱怨税法漏洞，好像这些法律不是他们写的一样。

50.I don't post on Facebook, It's more important for me to have a great life than it is for people to think I have one,'

我从不在Facebook上面晒照片。有一个真正享受的生活，比人们以为我有一个这样的生活重要的多。

最后，这个账户的推主其实并不是高盛公司的人。他名叫约翰·勒费夫尔（John Lefevre），是花旗银行的前高管。他只是借着高盛员工八卦集的名义，公开地替华尔街街从业者吐出了许多没法公开宣传却又一针见血的大实话——至少是他们这群人的真实想法。

据说高盛集团当时甚至为了找出这个推特账号的幕后管理者还开展过内部调查。在John Lefevre的身份被曝光后，高盛十分接地气的发布了一条声明：“我们非常高兴地宣布，即日起禁止在电梯里谈话这条禁令被正式取消。”

意思就是：这些不都是明摆着的嘛！干嘛一定要在电梯里才能说呢？

,