哈佛管理学中怎样规范表扬（哈佛商评如何让批评不破坏你的自信）

Many years ago, I had the opportunity to run an organization. I was excited about the possibilities ahead of us and the goals we could realize. However, instead of receiving unanimous enthusiasm for what I thought was an exciting vision, some team members found fault with my ideas and judged me personally. They said my agenda was too ambitious and self-serving. Some thought I wasn’t listening to what my constituents wanted.

Even though three-quarters of the team supported my vision, I fixated on the quarter that did not. I knew I was generally well-liked because I spent a large portion of my time and energy on pleasing others. The thought that some people didn’t like me felt like a punch in the gut. I lost sleep, couldn’t concentrate, and lost five pounds in one week (not how I wanted to lose those pounds). I started to consider how I could give in to what the naysayers wanted, even though it wasn’t the right thing for the organization.

Eventually, after a lot of hard work, I figured out how to be resilient when being criticized. This enabled me to stand my ground and take actions that benefited the organization, not just my self-worth. Here are the lessons I learned from that experience:

Be prepared; don’t freeze. Criticism is inevitable, especially if we invite diverse perspectives and boldly lay out a big vision. Unfortunately, our response to the disapproval of others may not be entirely within our control. Feeling “attacked” may trigger an involuntary fight-flight-or-freeze response in the amygdala. We may capitulate, cry, or lash out — actions we’ll probably regret later. We’ll probably also think of the perfect response but only after the fact. Instead of being caught off guard, prepare a list of three to five ways to respond to critics in the moment. Have these responses handy on your phone or a sticky note in case your brain draws a blank. For example, you might paraphrase what you heard to ensure you correctly understood what was said and demonstrate to the other person that you’re listening. Or you could say something like, “This is a new perspective. I appreciate your willingness to share a different point of view. I’d like to give this genuine consideration and get back to you.”

Calibrate; don’t catastrophize. If it’s very important to you that people like you and your ideas, you may be particularly sensitive to any form of censure. But try to keep things in perspective. For example, in a meeting, small gestures from the team such as throat clearing or focusing on a phone during your presentation may be the result of an allergy or distraction not negativity toward your ideas. Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask what’s going on. You might say, “I notice you’re frowning. Is it related to what we’ve been discussing?” If the person expresses a concern, make sure you understand the degree of intensity, importance, or urgency of their disapproval. You might say, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how frustrated are you about this?” or “How important is this to you?”

Accumulate; don’t react. If it’s the first time you’ve heard a certain judgment, become curious about the broader picture. Are you hearing this because this person is the canary in the proverbial coal mine and is the first to say something? Or is this a single instance, best set aside until you hear similar comments from others?

Apply the criticism to your role, not yourself. We often mistake our role for ourselves. We take things personally that are not personal at all; they are a condition of the job we’re in. For example, the head of sales might find fault with the head of products — no matter who occupies that position. Instead of conflating yourself and your role, determine whether the criticism is about you or the issues and tensions your role naturally evokes.

Connect with your personal board of directors; don’t isolate yourself. When we’re reeling from criticism, we tend to withdraw from others. Instead, reach out. Cultivate a diverse group of six to 12 people who are invested in your success and who will tell you the truth. Contact the members of this personal board of directors, share how the negative comments affected you, and seek their perspective and advice.

Take care of yourself; don’t try to push through. If your colleagues’ comments are particularly painful, it might take a psychological and physiological toll. You may find it hard to sleep or eat well. During these times, carve out more time for yourself. Identify two to three small rituals or practices that help renew your energy. It’s important that these actions are fairly simple so that you actually do them. Some examples might be taking a three-minute walk outdoors to get some fresh air, connecting with a friend on your drive home, journaling for five minutes at night, or waking up each morning and thinking about one person you’re grateful for in your life. (Bonus points if you then send that person a note expressing your gratitude.)

After many long walks, I realized that even though I’d spent most of my life trying to be likeable, it was an illusion to believe that I would be universally beloved. To move forward as a successful executive, I had to develop a stomach for criticism — even if it meant a bruised ego. In the end, I talked to the people in my organization and acknowledged their various opinions. Then I clearly stated what the plan would be going forward and told the group that I hoped they would join me in working wholeheartedly toward the goals I had presented. Most of them did. Over time, I increased my resilience by following the steps above. I’ve learned to face the realities and benefits of diverse opinions and to value the parts of myself that others may criticize.

Sabina Nawaz is a global CEO coach, leadership keynote speaker, and writer working in over 26 countries. She advises C-level executives in Fortune 500 corporations, government agencies, non-profits, and academic organizations. Sabina has spoken at hundreds of seminars, events, and conferences including TEDx and has written for FastCompany.com, Inc.com, and Forbes.com, in addition to HBR.org. Follow her on Twitter.

如何让批评不破坏你的自信 译者：Christophin

许多年前，我有机会管理一个组织。 我对我们面前的可能性和我们能够实现的目标感到兴奋。 然而，一些团队成员并没有对我所认为的令人兴奋的愿景表现出一致的热情，而是对我的想法提出了异议，并对我个人进行了评判。 他们说我的议程过于雄心勃勃和自私自利。 有些人认为我没有听取选民的意见。

尽管团队中有四分之三的人支持我的观点，但我仍然关注那些不支持我的观点的人。 我知道自己一般都很受欢迎，因为我花了很多时间和精力去取悦他人。 一想到有些人不喜欢我，我就觉得肚子上挨了一拳。 我失眠，无法集中注意力，一周内减掉了五磅(这不是我想要减掉的体重)。 我开始考虑如何向那些反对者妥协，即使这对公司来说不是正确的事情。

最终，经过大量的努力工作，我找到了如何在被批评时如何适应。 这使我能够坚持自己的立场，并采取有利于组织的行动，而不仅仅是我的自我价值。 以下是我从这次经历中学到的教训:

做好准备，不要停滞不前。 批评是不可避免的，特别是如果我们邀请不同的观点，大胆地提出一个宏大的愿景。 不幸的是，我们对别人不赞成的反应可能不完全在我们的控制之内。 感觉“受到攻击”可能会在杏仁核中引发不自主的“战斗-逃跑或冻结”反应。 我们可能会屈服，哭泣，或者猛烈抨击---- 这些行为我们以后可能会后悔。 我们可能也会想到完美的回应，但只是在事实发生之后。 为了避免措手不及，准备一份当下回应批评的三到五种方法的清单。 把这些回答存在手机上，或者贴在便利贴上，以防你的大脑一片空白。 例如，你可以复述你所听到的内容，以确保你正确理解所说的内容，并向对方证明你在听。 或者你可以这样说，“这是一个新的观点。 我很感激你愿意分享不同的观点。 我想真诚地考虑一下，然后再回复你。”

校准，不要小题大做。 如果人们喜欢你和你的想法对你来说很重要，你可能对任何形式的谴责都特别敏感。 但是试着正确地看待事情。 例如，在一个会议上，团队中的一些小动作，比如清嗓子或者在你的演讲中专注于打电话，可能是过敏或者分心的结果，而不是对你的想法的消极情绪。 与其急于下结论，不如问问到底发生了什么。 你可能会说，“我注意到你在皱眉头。 这与我们一直在讨论的问题有关吗? ” 如果对方表达了担忧，确保你理解他们不赞成的强烈程度、重要性或紧迫性。 你可能会说，“从1到10，你对此有多沮丧? ” 或者“这对你有多重要? ”

积累，不要反应。 如果这是你第一次听到某种判断，请对更广阔的图景感到好奇。 你听到这些是因为这个人是众所周知的煤矿里的金丝雀并且是第一个说话的人吗？ 或者这是一个单一的例子，最好放在一边，直到你从其他人那里听到类似的评论？

对你的角色进行批评，而不是批评你自己。 我们常常把自己的角色误认为是我们自己。 我们把完全不是个人的事情当成个人的事情; 这是我们工作的一个条件。 例如，销售主管可能会挑产品主管的毛病ーー不管谁在这个职位。 不要把你自己和你的角色混为一谈，而是要确定这些批评是针对你的，还是你的角色自然而然地引起的问题和紧张。

与你的个人董事会保持联系，不要孤立自己。 当我们受到批评的影响时，我们倾向于从别人那里退缩。 相反，伸出你的手。 培养一个由6到12个人组成的多样化团队，他们为你的成功投资，他们会告诉你真相。 联系这个个人董事会的成员，分享负面评论是如何影响你的，并征求他们的观点和建议。

照顾好自己，不要勉强自己。 如果你的同事的评论是特别痛苦的，它可能会产生心理和生理的代价。 你可能会觉得难以入睡或吃得好。 在这些时间里，为自己留出更多的时间。 确定两到三个小习惯或做法，帮助你充能。 重要的是，这些行动要相当简单，这样你才能真正去做。 一些例子可能是在户外散步三分钟呼吸新鲜空气，在开车回家的路上与朋友联系，晚上写日记五分钟，或者每天早上醒来想着你生命中值得感激的一个人。 (如果你随后给那个人发一封表达你感激之情的便条，会额外加分)

经过多次长距离的散步，我意识到，尽管我花了大半辈子的时间努力让自己变得讨人喜欢，但相信自己会受到全世界的爱戴是一种错觉。 为了成为一名成功的高管，我必须培养对批评的适应能力ーー即使这意味着自尊受到伤害。 最后，我和组织里的人进行了交谈，了解了他们的不同意见。 然后我清楚地说明了计划的前进方向，并告诉大家我希望他们能和我一起全心全意地朝着我提出的目标努力。 他们中的大多数人都这么做了。 随着时间的推移，我通过以上步骤增强了自己的恢复力。 我已经学会面对各种不同意见的现实和好处，重视别人可能批评的那部分自己。

萨宾娜 · 纳瓦兹是一位全球 CEO 教练，领导力主题演讲者，作家，在26个国家工作。 她为财富500强企业、政府机构、非营利组织和学术机构的高级管理人员提供咨询。 萨宾娜在包括 TEDx 在内的数百场研讨会、活动和会议上发表过演讲，除了哈佛商业评论网站，她还为 fastcompany. com、 inc. com 和 forbes. com 撰稿。 在推特上关注她。